


Fear and loathing

by Kissesfordriver



Series: Fear What's Forgotten [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Abuse, Anal Play, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cunnilingus, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Depression, Dominant Kylo Ren, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Face Slapping, Face-Fucking, Face-Sitting, Fingerfucking, Gaslighting, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo also calls you his good girl, Kylo calls you little one, Kylo ren is in love, Multiple Orgasms, Multiple Sex Positions, Name-Calling, Oral Sex, Pet Names, Physical Abuse, Reader cries alot, Reader is force sensitive, Redeemed Ben Solo, Rey is EVIL, Rey is a bitch, Riding, Rough Oral Sex, Rough Sex, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Vaginal Sex, adding tags as I go, and takes advantage, but then it gets soft, cross posted to wattpad, kylo is a liar, sub!Kylo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:42:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 17
Words: 19,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26024401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kissesfordriver/pseuds/Kissesfordriver
Summary: Supreme leader Ren, most feared individual in the galaxy, found you injured and left to die outside of starkiller. as he held you captive, secrets began to unfold, and everything is not always what it seems.(18+)
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You
Series: Fear What's Forgotten [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1891840
Comments: 8
Kudos: 36





	1. Unfriendly Beginnings

Gasping, you opened your eyes. Darkness consumed you, swallowing you into a dark pit as the tiniest bits of air entered into your lungs.

"You're awake." A deep modified voice rang throughout the room. You jumped slightly.

"To whom do I owe the pleasure?" Your voice cracked, and a menacing headache found its way into your skull.

"What were you doing in the snow, resistance scum?" The voice spoke again.

"Wow okay, dude. What makes you think that I'm in any way involved with the resistance?" You scoffed at it.

"I was just...tanning." You shrugged, an amused smile on your face.

"Tanning..?" The figure tilted its head.

"Your humor amuses me scum." It shook its head at you, chest vibrating with silent chuckles.

"Yep. besides, why should I talk to you? You're just some creature in a mask." You relaxed back into the restraints holding you back, eyeing the figure that was creeping around in the far corner.

The figure inched closer, taking slow steps. It was standing in front of you by then, towering over your restrained frame like a predator ready to pounce.

"Wow, well don't you look theatrical!" You faked excitement as you looked at his mask and cloak.

Big gloved hands reached out and you winced, you heard a mechanical hiss, followed by a soft rush of air.

Your breath hitched as you eyes his face structure.

Strong jaw, with beauty marks and moles. Hair like a lion's mane flowing around his neck. His long nose was scrunched slightly, and his lips in a small pout.

They looked so soft, pink, and glistening.

You wondered what the felt like on yours.

"Your thoughts are loud." His deep voice startled you.

"I was kinda expecting a hideous alien, but that's the close ill ever get I guess."

You rolled your eyes at him, shifting your gaze from his to avoid being trapped in a trance.

"Am I the alien of your dreams?" He tilted his head, the ghost of a smirk on his perfect full lips.

You rolled your eyes once more, fighting the smile threatening to appear on your lips.

And fought it you did, every ounce of amusement disappeared from your face and your pissed off self resurfaced.

"What do you want from me, Kylo Ren?" You were annoyed at the fact that the most powerful commander in the galaxy has you trapped against your will.

"If you may know that it wasn't my intention to have you here, yet you were sprawled outside my ship and covered in blood and snow."

"Then why did you bring me here? Why not just let me perish?" You raised a brow at him.

"Well my dear, it would be such a waste if a pretty one like you would die in such unacceptable circumstances." He feigned worry.

"Aw, you think I'm pretty, how kind of you." You spat out the last few words, tone laced with venom.

He stepped closer towards you, his stance was unmoving and his height towered over you.

You gulped, keeping all your worry bottled down, not letting it show.

He was staring at you, his eyes gazing over every crevice of your slightly trembling body.

"Take a picture, it will last longer." You rolled your eyes.

He hummed lowly, bringing a hand up to your cheek, stroking slowly.

"What the -- dude don't touch me." You turned your head away from his touch.

"Your attitude is getting on my nerve little one." He warned you, his voice raised a little.

"Good. But just so you know, I'm not your "little one" and I want out of here." You tugged at the cuffs encasing your wrists and ankles, skin turning bright red from the impact.

"Oh but you are,"

"See, you belong to me now." He took slow steps around you, raking his eyes over your legs and arms.

"Bullshit. I don't belong to anybody."

He grabbed your jaw out of nowhere, turning your head so you gazed at his lustful honey orbs.

You gasped slightly at the sudden movement, eyelids fluttering slowly.

"Brace yourself little one, you're mine."


	2. obeying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is also posted on wattpad🥺❤️
> 
> @ kissesfordriver <3

"The hell I am!" You thrashed against the metal chair, desperate to get out of its hold against your freedom.

"You should stop resisting, there is no use." He petted your hair softly.

"Get your slimey hands off of me." You yelled in his face.

Anger consumed you, making you see red. Your head pounded against your skull, as you struggled to breathe for a moment.

You remembered the restrains flying open and blood rushed through your arteries once more.

You tried to retain your breath, rubbing your wrists.

"A force sensitive? How lovely." He stepped closer to you, blocking out your vision from the door.

You bolted to the exit, but you halted in your tracks.

That motherfucker was using the force on you.

Totally predictable.

"Why can't you just let me go? What do you need little old me for?" You tried to sweet talk your way out, but his demeanor never faltered.

"Well, humans have their needs." He tilted your chin upwards to meet his eyes, honey swirls, and pupils slightly shining.

"Good to know, but I am not and will never be yours." You spat.

"We'll see." An arrogant smirk ghosted his lips and oh how you wished you could smack it right off.

"Id watch my thoughts if I were you." He put on his mask again.

"Can you get out of my head? Please and thank you." You smiled fakely.

"Hm. No can do." Putting on his cloak, he gestured for you to follow, but you stayed bound. Feet not budging and hands clasped together.

He sighed slightly, voice muffled from the modifier.

"Come or ill make you." He stepped closer.

Seriously, what is it with this man and his zero respect for personal space?

"Make me." You challenged, brow raised, and a sly smile on your lips.

The next thing you knew you were flying from your feet and into his grasp, you shook from the impact.

"Don't test me little one." He warned.

"Or what?" You stepped away slightly.

"Or ill have to punish you." His modified voice rang in your ear, sending chills down your spine.

"Ha! Like ill ever let you touch me." You shook your head slightly at him.

He was that dense. Like you'd ever allow a man to touch you. You'd skin yourself alive before you let that happen.

"Your opinion doesn't matter, now come along, I have more important things to do." He turned away, a sea of black hit you in the face as his robes swooshed behind.

"Would you mind telling me where are we going?"

"No. Now quiet."

You frowned, who on earth does he think he is?

"Well, I want to know when I will be out of here." You scoffed.

"Who says you're leaving any time soon?" He stood next to you.

"That's for me to decide dimwit." You rolled your eyes.

"How cute." He smirked. You had that spark in you, a glimmer of light. Very strong with the force and capable of destroying a whole planet if trained.

That's why he kept you, and for other things of course.

He needed someone to control and to fulfill his urges. Someone that hed hold at night in his arms, and tells them what's on his mind.

He became obsessed with the idea, and his urges were hard to control.

"Where are we?" You whispered softly.

"Your new quarters." He unlocked the door and it opened with a swoosh, making you jump.

He stood aside waiting for you to enter.

"How very kind of you." You plastered a fake smile and walked past him.

"We have plans and I suggest you take a shower and get dressed." He ignored your last remark.

"You suggest? Do I have any other option?"

"You could be placed in a cell for you to rot and die there." He shrugged.

"That sounds lovely, lead the way, sir!" You turned for the door, only to be grasped by his gloved hand.

"Your filthy mouth is getting on my nerves again." He squeezed your hand, warning you.

"Good, now hands-off."

"Why are you so stubborn?"

"Excuse me for not letting a fucking psychopath hold me captive like I'm some sort of a bird held in its cage." You were seething, arms crossed and face red.

"I completely disagree." He sat his mask on the table and stepped closer to you.

Once again, you couldn't get over at how insanely attractive he is.

He smirked at you.

You rolled your eyes.

"You disagree? Enlighten me."

"Well, I am not a psychopath, I just happen to have an undying thirst of blood."

You laughed slightly, "undying thirst of blood, you seem completely normal."

You two had eye contact for a while, and the energy in the room was starting to intensify.

You cleared your throat and backed up slowly.

You reached in your belt for your lightsaber but found nothing.

"Where's my lightsaber?" Your face held so much anger and you wished you could strangle him right then and there.

"With me." He shrugged.

"Care to hand it over?" You tilted your head.

"Not for the time being," he reached for his mask again.

"Really? Gods, dude just give me my fucking lightsaber back." You stomped your foot like a child, blushing immensely as you did.

"Stop the tantrum, you need training little one."

"I don't and stop calling me that."

"Yes you do, and ill call you whatever I please." He was challenging you, you knew it, he knew it, hell, even the stormtrooper down the hall knew it.

You sighed in defeat. You knew that kylo could have whatever he pleases, and you knew you weren't getting out of finalizer that easily.

"Fine." You plopped down on the bed.

"Very good, behaving aren't we?" He patted your head.

You flinched and twisted away from his touch.

Nodding your head, "yes supreme leader I will behave." You said in a monotone voice.

"There's my good little girl." He cooed.

You tried to act like his words didn't affect you, but deep inside, your body was screaming, begging to be touched and handled by him. Yet your brain was denying any sort of attraction, and it was killing you.


	3. Channeling fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feeling kinda down, might not update chapter 14 until next week <3

"Oh quit it, Ben, it's not that hard!" You nudged him in his ribs, urging him to follow your lead. He was hesitant, but curiosity was bubbling inside him. And you felt it through the force, channeled out into the open.

"I know you want to.." you sing-songed.

He groaned, a twitch of a smile appearing on his lips.

"Fiiiiiiine." He took out his lightsaber, clutching it in his hands with all his strength.

"Just focus on slicing the apple and nothing else." You tentatively placed the apple on your hair, steadying yourself in front of him.

"But I'm afraid of hurting you." His brows furrowed, his plush lips pouting and sticking out.

"You won't--just focus." You smiled at him reassuringly.

He nodded slowly, igniting his saber to life.

His eyes closed, his chest rising and falling with small scared breaths.

He raised his hand clutching the saber, his whole body tensed.

But then he focused on you--

How your bright blonde hair glistened when you would turn your head.

Or how your hazel eyes would stare right into his soul.

Or how your plush soft lips felt on him, so soft and silky smooth.

He felt like he was in heaven when you were around.

He opened his eyes, finding the apple sliced atop your head, a proud smile on your face as your eyes gleamed with adoration.

"See ya Buckethead, ya did it!" You giggled at him, a sound he cherished often.

"I-i did it!" He laughed along with you, suddenly carrying you and spinning you around.

You clutched his shoulders for support as you felt light-headed.

You wrapped your legs around his waist, burying your face into his neck as his chest vibrated with low chuckles.

You moved backward until you faced him again.

"You did it." You smiled widely at him.

Without a response, he crashed his lips onto yours. A weird passion behind his ferocity. He was smothering you with kisses and nibbles which made you giggle once more.

Kissing your neck, he murmured-

"How did I get so fucking lucky?" He smelled your natural aroma and his eyes rolled to the back of his head.

He ran his fingers through your hair and smelled your neck once more.

"You smell like chocolate." His low voice rang through your chest.

"Stop smelling me!" You giggled loudly.

"I can't help it you smell delicious!!" His defensive tone was mixed with playfulness as you rolled your eyes.

"Let's go celebrate before you eat me whole." You plopped down on your feet as you patted his empty stomach.

"Oh, I plan on that very soon." He winked at you.

You rolled your eyes playfully. "Gods, Ben! You are quite something else.." you shook your head.

"I could say the same for you." He grabbed your hand and squeezed it with yours, knowing how much you love holding his big hand.

He kissed your temple before you two strolled down the grassy landscapes.

Goofy smiles on your faces as you both enjoyed each other's company, relishing in the harmony that once surrounded you two like a halo.

Before it was completely destroyed and forgotten.


	4. And the Snow Falls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ily and ty for reading my book <3

Kylo was livid. Absolutely livid.

Hux managed to get on his nerves and ruin his seemingly perfect day.

So, he just took off from their meeting and to his quarters. He didn't feel like snapping someone's neck or destroying a control panel today.

He just wanted to go there and relax, to take his mind off of the stress of being the supreme leader, while managing to control his knights as well.

The last part was kind of hard though.

He force-opened the door with a loud thud and sauntered inside.

He took off his helmet and threw it across his bed.

With a loud sigh, he plopped on the small couch next to his window and looked out into the snow.

Pretty layers of white, snowflakes falling down merrily. A body sprawled out and bleeding.

Wait...

A body?

He jumped forward, almost crushing his face in the glass window.

He contemplated not going out, but deep down a voice was telling him to rescue whoever that was.

With a grunt, he placed on his helmet once again and took off down the long halls.

He passed troopers and officers without so much of a glance.

He felt a strong force, it was floating all around him, but it was fading away.

He knew whoever that was, was indeed a force user. A strong one.

He practically rushed out, a sudden motive to rescue the force user and cradle them back to safety.

He was surprised by his own thoughts.

But then he searched within the piles of freshly laid snow and glanced at your withering body.

He gasped, and tears almost welled in his eyes.

It was you.

After all those years, years of self-pity and sorrow. He found you.

He crouched near you carefully, examining your wounds and burns. He took off his glove and his warm hand came in contact with your exposed neck.

The faintest of heartbeats could be found.

He cradled you in his arms and kissed your crown softly. He placed his hand on your chest and channeled the force through your veins. The color returned to your face and he felt your steady heartbeat beneath his touch. The smallest of smiles appeared on his face as he clutched on to you.

Carrying you back all the way into his quarters, he ignored every stare and whisper among the workers. His only goal was to get you to safety.

He placed you down gingerly on his bed, resting your head against his pillow.

Placing his shaking fingers near your temple, he searched through your memories of him, or what he used to be.

Yet you only knew him as kylo ren, a merciless destroyer with a stone for a heart. You had no traces of the past, of the beautiful memories you two once shared. It was all gone.

He sighed loudly, putting you into force-sleep. He carried you once more into the interrogation chamber and secured you to the seat.

He missed seeing your face and feeling your soft skin.

But he had to think of some way to restore your memory, he needed you to remember him.

You were all he had left.


	5. Hush, dont cry

his eyes were cold and lifeless as he stared at you.

"you have no idea who I am, do you?" his monotone voice buzzed throughout the room, ringing in your ears.

"of course I know, dumbass." you crossed your arms. why was he questioning you?

I mean, you were kind of his prisoner.

scratch that, you were definitely his prisoner.

but, that seemed out of the blue.

"you're kylo ren. the supreme leader, former commander of the first order. you killed Snoke, your master, for some girl who pitied you. fucking pathetic."

if only you knew.. he chuckled.

"do you find that amusing..? you're a sick, twisted ma-"

your words were cut short by immense pressure on your windpipe, drawing out all the oxygen from your lungs and leaving you panting for air.

you clawed at your neck, trying to pry the invisible hands off your jugular.

you thought you were going to die, by the hands of a monster.

as if at that very moment, the pressure ceased and your knees buckled and you fell to the ground panting. he loomed over you, his height towering over your scared, shaking form as you clutched onto your neck.

"enough." he bellowed.

he crouched down, wanting to meet your eyes. you turned your head scowling, your bottom lip quivering.

"I hate you," you whispered, voice threatening to crack.

but kylo's heart had already.

he didn't mean to do that, he never would again. he was like a firecracker, it can only take so much before bursting to flames.

he closed his eyes momentarily.

"look at me."

you shook your head, tears welling in your eyes.

"Why did you choose me? why didn't you let me die.." your voice was cracking, but you were determined to stay strong.

"you know why.." his finger brushed a strand of hair from your face. you flinched at him, as he retracted his hand.

"I don't. I don't know anything, I dont...r-remember anything... I just remember you, kylo ren." you said as quietly as possible.

"you don't remember how you wound up in the snow?"

"I don't. all I remember was a girl..?" you focused, trying to remember more clearly.

"s-she had weird buns on her head, and she had a lightsaber, it was blue." you tried to remember more, but no avail.

"that's all I can remember..." you whispered.

he nodded slowly.

you still hadn't looked at him.

"look at me.." his tone was softer then like he was trying not to scare you off.

"Why the fuck should I listen to you?" your voice was harsh and he flinched slightly.

"Stop being such a brat! look at me!" he yelled slightly.

you reluctantly looked at him, his eyes were shot and he was trying to control himself.

"...what?"

"I'm sorry, moonlight."

...moonlight?

that seemed familiar to you.

you played that over and over in your head.

"y-you're sorry?" you raised your brow at him.

"I'm sorry, moonlight. I shouldn't lash out on you, or hurt you in any way."

a single tear rolled down your cheek.

you nodded at him.

he wiped away your tear with his thumb, brushing your lips.

"moonlight.," he whispered.

he pulled you into his lap, clutching onto you and resting his head on top of yours.

"I can't take this anymore.." you croaked out.

that moment..felt right..?

you didn't care. Your feelings were getting mixed up but you pushed them aside and held onto him tighter..

the moment never seemed to end.

"moonlight.."

"starshine.."

you whispered happily at him, as you held on tighter, closing your eyes and drifting into a dreamless sleep.


	6. words to live by

you groaned, stretching your limbs and popping them obnoxiously. your warm skin was sprawled out flush with the silk duvet.

you tried to get out of bed, but a huge arm was slung over your waist, preventing you from any motion.

you were startled.

this wasn't your room, and this wasn't your bed. and that arm certainly wasn't yours.

you touched it, caressing the warm calloused skin.

soft breaths across your neck made you shiver, and you turned your head to find no other than kylo himself snuggling you close.

you wiggled out of his hold and slung your feet over the mattress.

this is wrong, you thought to yourself.

a deep groan made you jump. you turned your head.

yet kylo hadn't moved a muscle.

you noticed his hips were hugging the pillow you slept on, his long legs wrapped around it.

another deep groan startled you. his hair was fanned out across the pillow and his lips in a sensual pout.

you blushed slightly at the sight. he sounded so peaceful.

his brows were knit slightly as soft sighs escaped him.

you weren't going to look at him for too long and decided to take a bath.

taking off all your clothes and throwing them into the bin, you tested out the temperature of the water before climbing into the tub.

all your muscles relaxed immediately, and the tension in your back was starting to dissipate.

you sighed happily as you submerged yourself into the warm water.

the rustling of the door woke you from your trance.

fuck. you forgot to lock it.

kylo sauntered into the bathroom paying you no mind. you immediately covered yourself as much a possible.

he was standing there as casual as ever brushing his teeth and combing his wild hair.

he turned to the toilet and untied his sweatpants.

your eyes widened and you almost choked.

he was pissing while you were taking a bath. that motherfucker.

you cleared your throat. "could you not?" your voice was laced with annoyance as he still hadn't acknowledged you.

"This is my bathroom, little one." he flushed the toilet and tied his sweatpants again.

"well I'm taking a bath over here." you gestured to yourself.

"I see that." his eyes raked over your body and he took in your wet form.

"The door's over there.." you pointed to the door, brows knitting together.

"quiet." he walked over to you, taking his shirt off and tossing it to the bin.

"what the hell are you doing?" you backed away from him.

"bathing you." he sat in front of you, his eyes gleaming with...adoration?

"I'm pretty sure I can do that myself." you rolled your eyes.

"I'm sure of it." he grasped your shoulders and made you face the wall.

you shrugged him off.

"dude stop, ill bathe myself." you were getting annoyed at him.

"stop resisting, and don't make me punish you." he gave you a warning squeeze.

you threw your head back and laughed.

"HA! you..??? punish me..??? HA!" you were cackling at him as his jaw was tensing.

he suddenly grabbed your neck and tilted your head to meet your eyes.

your back was arched as he pressed your back into his chest.

you gasped slightly, your chest was exposed to the cold air as it nipped your nipples.

they were now painfully hard.

"I suggest you keep your pretty mouth shut, little one, and let me take care of you." he caressed your neck and planted a soft kiss to your temple.

letting go, he grabbed a bottle of shampoo and kneeled behind you.

"I hate you.. like a lot."

"I know."

"like I really really hate you."

"mhm."

"and I think you look stupid with your little cape and dumb helmet."

"mhm." he lathered your head with his shampoo and massaged your scalp.

you relaxed a little, tilting your head towards him.

he gave you small massages to your dry hair and lathered you with body wash.

after rinsing your hair, he trailed his hands down your neck and massaged your back.

"oh..fuuuck this feels good." you moaned.

"hm, you're tense." he continued pressing his fingers into your stiff muscles.

"no shit." you popped your neck.

he bent down and pressed his nose to your neck.

"you smell good, little one." he inhaled your clean, mouth-watering scent.

"good for you, and stop smelling me." you scooted away from him.

he grabbed your hips and steadied you.

"don't run away from me, little one," he whispered in your ear and gripped your waist.

"Okay but can you please let me bathe in peace?" you turned your head slightly, looking at him from the corner of your eye.

"I can't do that when you look so irresistible." he pressed a kiss on your neck, trailing it to your jaw.

"s-stop that." you backed away from him.

"as you wish." he went back to massaging your back.

"supreme leader, can I say something?" you were testing your luck.

"yes, little one?"

"I feel like I know you before, I sense the connection we have but I don't know where, and when we did know each other," you took a deep breath. it was weird confiding with him when he was keeping you as a prisoner.

"we did.." he whispered slightly.

"but when..?" you relaxed into his hold.

"and the name..moonlight.. its strangely familiar to me." your brows knit in confusion.

"little one, ill tell you when the time is right. you will have all your answers when possible."

"fine whatever I don't care." you retorted.

"little one." his tone was laced with annoyance, as he warned you.

"what?" you basically barked at him.

"stop with the attitude! I said ill tell you when the time is right!" he raised his voice at you.

"and I said I don't give a shit."

"very well, I expect you to be dressed in 10, we have a meeting." he got up, and with long strides, he stormed out of the bathroom.

you were left soapy and wet, with many questions left unanswered.


	7. Frustration

kylo pretended he didn't see you get dressed. he pretended that he didn't see your full breasts bounce as you slid on lacey panties and high waist leggings. your ass was so full and ripe he'd kill to just crush his face between your legs and go to town. yet with every bit of control, he fought his urges and refocused somewhere else.

he zoned out on a dead plant placed on his dresser, thinking about all the ways he could ruin you. he was kinda thankful that you didn't know how to read minds yet. your sweet sultry voice snapped him out of his reverie.

"are you going to stare at that fucking plant all day?" you crossed your arms and leaned on the door frame.

he eyed you up and down. your thick natural blonde curls flowing down your back in waves. your supple breasts jiggling slightly as you speak. your hips and perfectly curved ass-

okay, he was getting too stiff in his pants for his own liking.

he stood up to his full height, his eyes boring into yours. you gulped at the intensity.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" you raised your brows.

"like what, little one?" he tilted his head.

"you know how!" you waved your hands dramatically and rolled your eyes. he chuckled slightly and you frowned. slithering past you, he secured his helmet on top of his head and fastened his belts.

"god you dress like a girl." you rolled your eyes.

"oh?"

"yeah." you shrugged, the ghost of a smirk threatening to appear on your lips.

you were starting to love fucking with him.

"oh, hush. move along now." he waved you dismissively and ushered for you to follow him.

his fast strides were hard to keep up with and you struggled to catch your breath. you latched on to his wrist and he jumped. he stopped in his tracks causing you to bump into his back. his mask was tilted towards you as you looked up at him, letting go of his wrist.

"s-sorry you were going too fast." you took a step back and returned your gaze ahead. his hand shot up and you flinched, waiting for the harsh impact of leather on your skin but it never came. the touch of a feather tickled your wrist as he laced his fingers around it gently.

your breathing increased as you took a step towards him tentatively.

he held your wrist and turned ahead, walking at a steady pace. your heart fluttered as you relaxed in his grip.

it was almost comforting.

but before you knew it. the let your wrist go and entered the room. you held your head high and walked with confidence.

"How great of you to finally show up." a red-headed man spoke with venom, a faux smile plastered on his pale face. "I see you've brought company," he eyed you up and down, his beady eyes lingering on your long legs as you shifted beneath his gaze.

"I have no time for your incessant babbling Hux, carry on." he placed a hand on your lower back and you flinched.

kylo sat down, motioning for you to sit on his lap.

"oh you've got to be kidding me." you sighed loudly. he patted his thighs. you had no choice. either you obeyed or he made you.

with slow steps you sat on his lap, your back to his chest.

'good girl' he whispered in your head. you rolled your eyes at him.

you tried to deny that his praising words didn't affect you. but you still felt the warmth between your legs seeping onto your already soaked panties.

he felt it. of course, he did.

'i can feel your soaked cunt. filthy slut.'

your breathing accelerated, as you shifted again.

he snaked an arm to your waist, splaying his long fingers over your stomach.

you closed your eyes slightly just to quiet down a bit.

'i bet you're soaking my robes right now.'

a small moan bubbled in your throat but you swallowed it down. his fingers ventured down until they rested just over your aching cunt. you tried shifting your hips to meet his touch but he held you down.

'you are going to be a good girl for me and stay still, aren't you?' you nodded slightly.

he ghosted his fingers over your cunt, brushing your clit. you let out a small moan.

Hux looked at you questioningly, but you averted your gaze. he let his other hand trail over your thigh and lightly squeeze your flesh.

you bit your fingers, letting out a muffled whine.

kylo chuckled slightly, retreating his hands from you completely.

you bucked your hips to seek some friction, yet he sat back in his seat and ignored you completely. you pouted and figured you'd take care of the problem once you return to your quarters. of course, you'd touch yourself while thinking of him. it was bad, really bad. you hated kylo with every fiber in your being, yet his presence never ceased to sparkle some kind of lust within you.

deciding to have a little fun, you spread your legs and situated yourself so you straddled one thigh. placing a hand on the table to brace yourself, you started rocking on the clothed flesh. your nearly bare cunt given the perfect friction for you to get off. you moaned lowly.

kylo shot out his hand and stilled your motion, grabbing you by the hips.

'Just what do you think you're doing?'

you stifled a small laugh as you continued humping his thigh. moans were threatening to let loose as you neared your climax, slowly rocking yourself into an orgasm. you panted as you rocked harder, grabbing onto his kneecap for support. your mouth was slightly parted and your eyes watered slightly.

'you're going to cum, aren't you?' you nodded frantically.

'poor thing, so fucking desperate to cum..'

'i bet you'd want to cum on my cock like the slut you are.'

that was all it took as you let yourself go. your knuckles turning white as you held on to the table. your thighs were quivering and you felt lightheaded. the smallest of whimpers escaped your mouth as you shifted again. you regained your composure and sat still, waiting for the meeting to be over.

yet, kylo had other plans.

almost instantly, he lifted you up into his arms and growled at Hux, somewhere along the lines of the meeting is a waste of my time. rushing out the door, he held a death grip around your hand as he practically dragged you to his quarters. once inside, he loosened his grip, sending you stumbling inside.

"you dirty little whore, using me to get off." he threw his helmet to the ground.

"Somebody had to do it." you shrugged, smirking slightly.

"get on your knees."


	8. Kneel before me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( just a lil a/n: um so yea this chapter is a little messy but yuh I'm horny. anyways, this chap contains oral sex, face slapping, slight bloodplay. so yea anyways..uwu happy reading <3)

"excuse me?" you raised a brow at him.

"you heard what I said, now get.on.your.knees." he hissed through his teeth, his fists clenched by his side. his cock was painfully hard. it was straining against his slacks, begging to be let loose.

reluctantly, you sank to your knees. your eyes shooting daggers at him through your lashes.

"that's a good girl." he brushed the back of his hand against your cheek, his anger dissipated immediately.

you nuzzled into his touch, enjoying the warmth of his gloves, but you also wanted to feel his skin. turning your head, you bit the top of his finger and pulled, trying to remove the leather. he chuckled deeply.

"you seem excited." he peeled his gloves off and grabbed your chin.

"too bad id have to punish you, little one." he mocked a pout.

"good luck with that." you winked at him. his face was set in a scowl as he eyed you down.

before you knew it, he retreated his hand and smacked you across the face. blinking, you turned back to him holding your red cheek. your mouth tasted like blood and you were sure a bruise was forming.

he grabbed your face forcefully, prying your jaw open. he then slid two fingers into your mouth. clamping your jaw shut, you sucked onto his warm skin, relishing in the taste of leather and your own blood. you moaned and closed your eyes.

"disgusting. absolutely fucking filthy." he tsk tsk-ed at you as you swirled your tongue around his digits.

kylo was sure he was about to bust a nut right then and there from the show you put on. sucking onto his fingers like some kind of lollipop.

he slid his fingers from your mouth with a loud pop, and glanced at your reddish spit that coated him all the way to his wrist.

kylo smeared the blood and saliva with his thumb and middle finger, before wiping them on your cheek.

you let out a slight hum of appreciation and smiled.

kylo stood up, his hands scrambling to unbuckle his belts. after a moment or two, his cock sprang free. the tip flushed and leaking with desire. you gulped at the sheer size of it and shifted onto your heels.

he took your chin with his thumb and forefinger. his eyes staring at your lips, kylo brushed his thumb over the forming welt on your cheek and you flinched from the pain.

he shushed you gently, before guiding your head in between his legs.

you gazed up at him, eyes wide and innocent. you placed a small kiss to the head, pre-come staining your lips as you licked and suckled. kylo's head was tilted back, his eyes rolling from the immense pleasure. he stroked your hair gently, like petting a kitten.

"Stop teasing me, baby girl." he tapped your red cheek.

this time, you took him all, from the head to the base. swirling your tongue over the head and squeezing the base.

kylo was a moaning mess, blabbering nonsense as he used your mouth.

"a-ah f-fuck that's a good girl." he laced his fingers in your blonde curls, tugging at them appreciatively. you hummed at his praise, your cunt unbearably wet. you reached a hand and teased your cunt, slicking your fingers before plunging them in. you moaned around his cock.

you lapped at the salty pre-come, trailing your tongue down to the base. he groaned, grabbing your head and choking you on his cock. you gagged and heaved but enjoyed it anyway.

you neared your peak, chasing your orgasm animalistically as you sucked him dry. but kylo had snatched your hand away from your wet cunt, fingers slick under the dim light.

"t-touching yourself?" he continued fucking your mouth while he sucked your digits clean, moaning at the sharp taste of your cunt.

"f-fuck, you're gonna take my cum like a good girl?" he was panting and groaning, his hips slamming into your face with ferocity.

you nodded, gagging on him and dribbling spit everywhere. it was messy, drool dripping down your chin and onto your neck in thin streams. tears pricking in your eyes as your throat began to feel sore. yet he never relented, he only continued to force his cock to slide in and out of you.

"g-gonna blow my load all over your pretty face.." he pulled his heavy cock from your mouth and stroked it feverishly, the sick sound of slap slap echoing in the room. with a loud moan and a buck of his hips, he shot his load onto your face in white streaks.

"lick it up." his voice was hoarse and he was panting, yet he swiped a finger over your face and brought it to your mouth, you sucked the fluid off and bit his finger playfully. he smiled briefly at you before wandering off into the bathroom.

you sat there heaving, your ruined orgasm was starting to get to you.

kylo came back shortly, holding a soaked towel. crouching in front of you, he held your face gently, gazing into your eyes before planting a small warm kiss to your stinging cheek. he cleaned your face from the blood, sweat, tears, and fluids.

placing the dirty towel on the floor next to you, he looked at your messed up state and sighed. "so beautiful.." his eyes held so much emotion and tears were starting to form. you bit the inside of your lip as you gazed at him.

"moonlight I missed you.." a single tear rolled down the curve of his cheek as he cradled your face with his two hands.

"you don't know me.." your brows knit in confusion.

he looked hurt, his eyes flashed with slight anger and pain, the sudden change of demeanor was overwhelming.

he stood up abruptly, pacing the room. you stood up shortly and fixed your disheveled clothes. he was starting to go into a frenzy.

"no no no no you HAVE to remember me!" he was shouting at no one in particular. his eyes bloodshot and tears rolling down his face.

"remember what kylo?" you crossed your arms. he seemed like he was going crazy, he looked weak.

"b-but you have to!" he growled at you, grabbing you by the shoulders and shaking you slightly. "kylo stop!" you shook from his grasp and flinched at his abrupt actions.

"calm the fuck down." you backed up away from him and turned to the door, ready to just run away from him and his frenzied state.

"don't you fucking dare open that door." he was growling at reaching for his lightsaber. you panicked and tried looking for a way to escape.

"How could you not remember me! I was the only one you ever loved!" he pulled at his hair.

"slow down big guy, kinda stepping the boundaries here," you stepped forward once more, a sudden surge of confidence sparked through you.

"if you thought that I would ever love someone like you, then you're absolutely wrong. I would never love a monster." you spat at him.

it felt good to say those words, yet the slightest bit of regret formed deep down.

"get out." he still hadn't met your gaze, his shoulders slumped down and his stance was defeated.

"gladly." you stormed out of the room and ventured down the halls to your quarters, anger bubbling inside you.

but what you didn't know was that kylo was broken, laying in his own puddle of tears and shame.

longing for you.


	9. Broken pride

you tossed and turned for what felt like all night. the atmosphere in your quarters was unbearably hot and you were sweating. exasperated, you threw the silk sheets over you and rolled on your stomach.

you hadn't slept since your last meeting with kylo, a part of you still ached for him. of course when you first returned to your quarters you took care of yourself and came like 3 times. but now, you needed some human comfort and your insomnia was kicking in.

you grabbed your shirt and threw it on with some shorts, before trudging to kylo's quarters. the halls were eerily quiet and you hadn't spotted a stormtrooper since you stepped out. it was bizarre, how abandoned Finalizer seemed to you.

yet you found yourself sighing and facing the doors of his quarters. you raised your hand to knock but the door swooshed open causing you to let out a surprised yelp. you tiptoed into his room and peeked around to try and spot him. his bed was surprisingly empty and all the lights were dimmed.

kind of bummed out, you turned to walk away only to be met by a muscled chest.

"you seem lost." his voice wasn't gentle, you noticed. he was probably still pissed after what happened.

"holy shit dude, you scared me." you placed a hand on your chest and panted. your heart was thrumming wildly and uneven breaths exited your nose.

"Why are you here?" he averted your gaze, his fists clenched by his side. you rolled your eyes at his intensity.

"I couldn't sleep." you played with the hem of your shirt and shifted.

"do you want me to sing you a lullaby?" he snapped at you, rolling his eyes.

"no I just need some human comfort," you crossed your arms. "but I guess you're not really human after all." you turned to walk to the door but he grabbed your wrist.

"stop with that attitude, little one," he warned you, his fingers flexing around your wrist and squeezing the blood out of your veins. you wiggled out of his hold and took a long deep breath.

"look kylo, I'm not here to piss you off or annoy you with my existence, I just want to go to sleep." you let out a sigh through your nose as your shoulders slumped. he looked you over, his eyes glazed with exhaustion as his chest rose and fell with labored breaths.

the silence seemed to last forever, yet you two never broke eye contact.

kylo stepped towards you slowly, his body heat warming you up as he got closer and closer with each step. opening his arms, he motions for you to hug him, which you had already obliged to.

you clung onto him, melting to his body and resting your head on his strong chest. he lifted you up and you wrapped your legs around him instinctively. nuzzling into his neck, you gave him small, shy pecks. he laid you down on his bed and slid in next you. the sheets smelled like his distinct scent.

earthy and comforting, you nuzzled into his pillow.

he turned his head and faced you, you shied away from him. A part of you still hated kylo, with a burning passion, but another part needed to feel loved.

his hand shot up to stroke your head and rake through your blonde curls, massaging your scalp. almost moaning at his actions, you leaned into his touch.

he retreated his hand away, gazing into your eyes. you noticed the dark circles under his eyes, and you grimaced.

"kylo.."

"hm?"

"do you ever sleep?" you cursed yourself for how dumb you sounded and closed your eyes briefly.

his deep chuckle startled you and you opened one eye to see him biting his lip, trying not to laugh.

"no, I don't sleep. my mind has the scary ability to be dark and demented." he continued.

"so you're afraid of your own dreams..?" you raised a brow at him.

"yes," he said quietly.

you couldn't relate more. he was confiding with you, and you wanted nothing more than to tell him your sorrows and all the pain you went through.

"Have you ever loved someone so much that it ached?" you felt tears starting to brim in your eyes, but you batted them away, wanting not to appear weak in front of him.

"I did, and I still do." his glassy eyes into yours, your heartbeat thudding furiously in your chest as you struggled not to burst into tears.

"you're looking at me like that again."

"like what..?" his brows knit in confusion.

"like you want to tell me something so important that-that-" you couldn't stop your voice from shaking and the tears from running down your cheeks.

he snuck a hand under your waist and pulled you to his chest, placing small kisses to your head.

you hiccuped and sobbed,feeling all the pent up frustration melt away.

"Stop crying, little one.." his voice was breathy and wavering too. you nodded into his chest and kissed his collarbone. knowing you'll probably hate kylo tomorrow, you chose to just enjoy the moment of clarity between you two.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?" his voice was raspy and raw, it sent tingles down your back.

"treating me like a person.." you trailed off, shifting away from him and nuzzling back into his pillow.

"you kind of own my heart now, little one.." he traced his fingers over your lips, barely touching them.

"b-but i-i" you stammered slightly, before being shushed by one of his long fingers.

"Shhh.." he cupped your face and kissed you with adoration and gentle care as if you were made of glass. you wanted to twist away from him, you wanted to run to your quarters and just forget it all but you didn't.

you pulled away hesitantly, looking into his hazel orbs.

"i-i remember kissing you..why do I remember kissing you..?" a fresh memory of you and him resurfaced in your mind, as you struggled to remember more clearly.

he sat upright and you flinched at his sudden movement.

"little one, what do you remember?" his tone was authoritative and intimidating.

"I remember you and I were in a field and we kissed..." your face reddened at your sudden confession but he was not fazed.

"y-you're remembering! Oh gods!" he lunged at you and engulfed you in a bear hug which sent you toppling backward.

letting out a squeak, you gasped an I can't breathe to kylo as he reluctantly let you go.

"little one, j-just try to remember.." he brushed hair behind your ears and looked at you expectantly. but nothing came up.

"I don't remember anything else." you shifted away from his again and draped the comforter over your freezing body. he nodded and turned his back to you. you frowned as you wanted him to cuddle you again, but you shut your eyes trying to get some sleep.

the last thing you felt before succumbing to your dreamless sanctuary was a pair of arms and a breathless I love you.


	10. too dark for you

"can you feel it?" he was behind you, grabbing onto your waist as you took deep calming breaths. his grip was soft and almost comforting. but it was too calming on your behalf.

"i'll feel it if you stop touching me." your voice was wavering.

you had been in this state for the past hour. focusing all of your energy on exerting the force that kylo said you possessed. all attempts were futile, you were too out of focus. staring at that damned glove on the ground behind closed lids, you sighed through your nose and shifted.

"you're not focusing!" he suddenly bellowed and you flinched. whipping your head towards him. you snarled, "if you would just shut your mouth i'd fucking focus!" your voice was equally loud and menacing. yet he didn't flinch, in fact, he looked eerily calm.

"stop scolding me, I'm not a child and you're stressing me out." you crossed your arms over your chest.

"listen little one, I know you have it in you, you just need a little push." his tone turned into a soft, calm one. you sighed at him and nodded.

he took one step towards you and you instinctively took one back. kylo's posture was straight, and his warm hazel eyes were boring into yours. he took your shaking hand in his and laced your fingers together.

"look at me.." he said your real name, not that silly pet name that you despised so much. your breath hitched in your throat as you locked your gaze with his. his body heat was melting with your own, causing you to lean into him.

"I want you to put everything you have into moving that glove on the ground," he whispered in your ear and you shivered.

an image appeared in your head.

you. moving the glove with invisible strings as kylo watched you intently. his eyes locked on your face as it crumpled in concentration. your brows knitting and your mouth twitching downwards.

his warm, bare fingertips ghosted over your outstretched arm and you snapped your eyes open.

the glove. it was resting in your hand.

kylo beamed at you with a proud look on his face, a smile threatening to appear on his perfectly plush lips.

"i-i did it!" you squealed, jumping up and down with excitement. he felt it, rolling off of you in waves. the excitement and a sense of accomplishment, flooded within you as you tried to contain your giggles.

"Indeed you did," he stepped closer to you again, his fatal aura almost suffocating you as it lingered in the air.

"Can you teach me how to read minds now?" just like that, all sense of amusement disappeared from kylo's face as he straightened his posture.

"no, little one. you're not prepared." his eye twitched, as he so desperately tried to change the topic.

you rolled your eyes at him. "I moved a goddamn glove with my mind, I'm ready to know how to read minds." you made a motion to the glove still in your hand, but kylo snatched it and covered his pale hand.

you attempted to search his mind on your own, to look deep into the caverns of his head, and find the answers to all your questions.

but he was too quick.

slamming you into the wall nearby, "don't ever try to get inside my head!" he snarled, his grip unforgiving as it crushed your wrists harshly. you stayed like this for several beats, his frenzied eyes boring into yours as your chest heaved under his stare.

his mismatched orbs softened, "its too dark for you.." with that, he let go and you crumpled to the ground, holding your crushed wrists in your hand. tears threatening to pool in your eyes.

"I'm sorry i-i didn't mean to." you squeaked out, a single tear rolling down your cheek. he sighed, his face etched in frustration as he crouched in front of you, tilting your chin upwards to meet his gaze.

"I know little one. I know." he brought your face to his chest, snaking his arms around you and pulling you close. you sobbed into his chest, tears spilling onto the thick layers of black.

"imsorryimsorryimsorry" you repeated over and over, but he only shushed you and pet your hair.

pulling away, you wiped the snot from your nose with your sleeve and lowered your gaze.

"look at me," he said sternly but softly, stroking your cheek as the last few sobs wracked themselves from your body. you finally looked at him, a pathetic look on your face as you silently pleaded for him to forgive and forget.

"there she is, my pretty girl.." he cooed at you, tucking your hair away from your face and stroking you. you practically purred at him and he relished in the sound.

"i-I'm hungry." you didn't care how weak you sounded or how you looked with snot running down your nose. a smile cracked on his face as he heard your stomach growling. your face flushed as he chuckled at your embarrassing state.

"c'mon, let's feed you." he carried you through the halls, ignoring the stares and whispers. enjoying how you wrapped yourself around him and nuzzled into his neck.

he ordered some droids to get you something to eat before he tucked you into bed. kissing your cheek, he whispered, my sweet girl. and yet again, he disappeared out the door.

you woke up expecting to find kylo somewhere in your room, but you were surprised to find no one except droids placing played and containers on the small coffee table.

you stretched out, popping your limbs and sighing through your mouth. the smell of freshly baked bread and steaming vegetables wafted through the air as you sniffed at it, your stomach growling once more.

thanking the droids, you plopped down on the couch and eyed a small note folded neatly on the table.

for my little one,

I was sent on an emergency mission and I will return by night, please eat plenty and take needed rest.

Kylo

so he just left you all on your own and went out on a "mission"? were you even supposed to care? Nope.

you immediately pounced on the food, scarfing it down in a matter of seconds, moaned at the taste and sharpness of the vegetables as you chewed and chewed. your empty stomach was full by then, you couldn't bear another bite.

calling the droids over to clean up the mess you made, you snuck under the soft covers and closed your eyes.

your mind drifted towards him again, a vivid image of his face resurfacing inside your head. groaning, you pulled the covers over your head in an attempt to block out the images.

what was that feeling you felt deep down?

that fuzzy, warm feeling.

no.

it cant be.

could it?


	11. dont make the same mistake twice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (a.n: so we won't be seeing kylo/little one a lot these next chapters cuz I kinda wanna expand the plot a little and shed some light on certain scenes. butttttt, there will be a juicy chap to compensate :) ill start updating regularly on Fridays so keep a lookout ;) I'm sorry for any mistakes, ill go over them when I can I'm really tired. ily uwu <3)

her soles trudged through the debris. crunches and crackles of power died beneath her feet as she made her way through D'Qar. her hair was a mess, she was sweating and her knees were buckling. yet she had to carry on.

Rey entered the command center with authority and strength, she had a very clear goal. she needed to see General Leia.

"Rey! you came back so soon!" Finn surprised her as he stood in her way, his face shining with excitement and relief. she sighed, there was no time to waste.

"what do you want Finn?" she clutched her bag tightly, hiding it subtly behind her back.

"I have something AWESOME to tell you!"

"I really don't have time right now, maybe later." Rey swiftly made her way around him. Finn caught her hand in his much larger one. she looked at him, desperate to get this over with.

"what is it?" she rolled her eyes, her voice dripping with annoyance.

"its y/n." she froze. maybe she didn't hear him correctly. her heart was beating irregularly as she stood stiff in front of him. "and what about her?" Rey crossed her arms over her chest, her brave facade slowly cracking as her mind wandered back to you.

images of blood and tears. your frail voice as you begged her not to kill you, a moment of weakness you had shown so proudly. she warned you, she really did. he was no good, and yet you still went through and loved him with everything you had.

she thought it was weak, pathetic. how could you be so blind by love that you overlooked the chaos and destruction? and yet she wiped your memory clean, leaving you to fend for yourself for the past 3 years. you followed him, you followed his path to the dark side. she sensed it, the conflict you had within you. clear as day.

you were turning, he was turning you. your powers were strong, too strong. she had to end you but she didn't. after what you two went through, after everything, she just couldn't. but it had to happen.

"Earth to Rey!" Finn snapped his fingers in front of her face, snapping her out of her trance. she jolted and hummed at him, her fingers trembling slightly.

"did you listen to a single word I just said?" he said, irritated. she closed her eyes briefly, exhaling hotly through her nose.

"I said that we acquired new information on y/n's whereabouts." his smile was almost contagious, his dark brown eyes glimmering with joy. rey's face went pale, her lungs seemed to constrict as she listened to Finn's rambling. she felt like she was about to faint.

you were alive. alive and breathing!

"w-wait, WHAT?!" Rey screeched, drawing attention to the soldiers passing by. Finn jumped at her sudden change of tone, clearly taken aback by how bad she handled the situation. "what's wrong? she's alive aren't you glad?" his brows furrowed, and that wide smile faded into a surprised grimace.

rey's shaky hands clutched the bag weakly, her mind drifted to the worst possible scenarios. she nodded almost too quickly and faked a smile. "y-yes, of course, I'm happy!" she laughed fakely, yet tears threatened to form in her eyes from the frustration she felt. you shouldn't be alive after what you put them through, after loving the devil himself.

"General Leia already planned an attack, and we're getting y/n back! isn't that amazing?!" he basically squealed. yet Rey didn't share the same enthusiasm, in fact, she was fuming. she had to stop Leia and kill you before its too late.

"you're zoning out again!" Finn sighed, shaking his head at Rey while she stared ahead. "I don't know what's going on with you, I thought you'd be happy now that we found y/n, she's your best friend for fucks sake!" he spat at her, obviously annoyed at the fact that you didn't share the same enthusiasm.

Rey cursed under her breath, turning around and making her way through the crowds of soldiers.

"Rey I'm so glad you're here!" kaydel squealed and grabbed her hand. Rey rolled her eyes and sighed dramatically.

"what do you want now?!" she was practically screaming, her patience drawing thin. time was ticking and she didn't know how much she had left.

"damn girl no need to be so bitter." kaydel rolled her eyes. "but anyway, haven't you heard the news? y/n is safe and we're getting her back!" kaydel jumped up and down excitedly, still grabbing onto Rey's hands as if urging her to jump too. but Rey wasn't budging, she just stared at kaydel with a bored look on her face.

kaydel frowned and stopped jumping. "what's got your panties in a bunch?" she rolled her eyes at Rey, who was still glaring at her.

"I get that we found y/n but I really don't care and I wish to stop being interrupted." Rey turned around to resume her walk, but kaydel stood in front of her again. this time, having enough, she force-propelled kaydel to the wall nearby. not forceful enough to hurt her, just to send her a friendly message.

fuck off.

"ow." kaydel grimaced and scratched her head. but Rey just kept walking.

she eyed General Leia, who was sitting and staring out the glass into open space. she had a sad look on her face, her eyes were empty of the usual glimmer she shared once, now just pools of a blue void, lacking any kind of readable emotion.

"General Leia." Rey gave a curt nod and moved to stand next to her, almost impatient. Leia gave her a short glance before staring out into the window once more. Rey subtly rolled her eyes, sighing through her nose.

"General, I collected some intel from the traders on Batuu. they came to some sort of agreement with the First order, involving weapons powerful enough to wipe out an entire population," she showed Leia the papers she so secretly hid in her bag, shoving them in Leia's outstretched hands.

Leia nodded, her lips pursing slightly as she went over the information once again. she shoved them back into Rey's hands unexpectedly and stared back into space.

"General?" Rey was confused at Leia's actions. she never acted this kind of way before, it was strange how she handled things so calmly. the general hummed at Rey, not even looking in her direction.

"I believe you heard about y/n, have you not?" Leia murmured at Rey, her eyes still staring into the deep void in front of them. Rey rolled her eyes at her, clenching her fists and taking deep calming breaths.

"yes, I heard. I don't know how this may relate to what I was saying-"

"Y/n is found and she's safe. that's what really matters right now. the first order can do their worst." Leia's tone was threatening, her fingers trembling as she spoke about you. Rey was completely baffled.

"But general, she betrayed us! how could you even think about trusting her again-"

"How could you! you of all people should understand her Rey, you're her best friend for god's sake!" she turned towards Rey, no longer staring out into space, but staring into her own eyes.

"I was her best friend, not anymore." Rey spat at Leia, her voice dripping with such hatred and venom. Leia visibly flinched, Rey's sudden attitude sparking interest in Leia, why was she acting like this?

"what has gotten into you, Rey? you're never like this!" Rey frowned, her fists clenching and her teeth gritting painfully. she stood up to her full height, almost towering over the general.

"y/n is now considered a threat to the resistance, she must be eliminated," Rey spoke, her words steady and precise.

"I already planned an attack on the first order, to bring both ben and y/n safe and sound." Leia towered over Rey, her tone much more authoritative then.

"don't make the same mistake twice general." Rey hissed. but the general didn't seem fazed at all.

"ben is no longer the ben we all know. he's far more dangerous. did you forget about Han? or Luke?" Rey's voice quivered after mentioning her late teacher. but she swallowed down all the bubbling emotions threatening to burst inside of her.

"you can leave now, Rey." Leia turned away from Rey and into the void, her gaze on the stars and the black vacuum never faltering.

"I warned you, Leia." Rey shook her head, turning back and heading out. leaving Leia staring ahead, back into empty space.

Rey clutched her lightsaber tight, contemplating on ruining everything and everyone in her way.

she had to kill you. you deserved to die.


	12. delusional

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n:  
> I'm so sorry this update was hella late :/ I was kinda busy with what's happening in Lebanon right now and my mental health wasn't having it. Any mistakes will be corrected once i have the time :3 So I'm really sorry for this late and super short chap I promise to make it up to u in the next one. Ily and pls stay safe <3

"you're delusional, Rey." Poe shook his head as he listened to her plans. his fists clenched by his side. Rey rolled her eyes, her pink lips pursing in annoyance.

"Poe, just listen-" Rey stated, her voice laced with desperation. Poe cut her off. "no Rey, I'm not going to listen to what you're saying because it's wrong. y/n had nothing to do with it-" Poe's heart ached as he thought of you, tears threatening to pool in his eyes.

"y/n is a threat." Rey's voice wavered, her anger rising gradually.

"she is not a threat, Rey. you have no right to say that about her." Poe stepped into Rey's face, his own red with fury. Rey raised and eyebrow at Poe, challenging him. "I don't know what got into you, but you stay away from y/n, or I'm going to have to kill you," he warned, his voice was authoritative and scary, something Rey had never seen before. she scoffed in disbelief.

"id like to see you try." she stepped closer to his face, her hand wrapping instinctively around her lightsaber. his eye twitched as he exhaled. "rey this is childish!" Poe exclaimed.

she rolled her eyes. "I wish to be training in peace." Rey turned her back, igniting her lightsaber. Poe shook his head, before turning away and leaving Rey to train alone.

༒

"Ren still hadn't returned from Jakku." hux stood face to face with one of the knights of ren, Ap'lek.

"Master Ren is safe and he will return soon." Ap'lek was calm as he spoke to a very pissed off Hux. Hux rolled his eyes, "that is very typical of Ren, he leaves his people behind with no authority or someone to rely on when he disappears." his voice was laced with annoyance.

Ap'lek twitched in his armor, as he reached out a hand to choke Hux. Hux's face was bright red and a vein popped out from his neck. He clawed at his neck as the invisible hand stole precious air from his lungs.

"You will not speak poorly of Master Ren in my presence." Hux was heaving. He nodded frantically as Ap'lek finally let him go. "Master ren knows what he's doing." ap'lek threatened.

leaving a very disoriented hux behind, he trudged to your quarters after receiving orders from Ren to keep you safe. noticing everything was eerily quiet, he contemplated on knocking. but then again, you were not to be trusted yet.

he twisted the knob slowly, peeking from under the visor. remnants of your dinner were scattered across the coffee table. ap'lek scoffed at the mess, wondering why Master Ren was even intrigued by you in the first place.

turning away, his gaze landed on ruffled sheets and noticeable bump poking from underneath. he tilted his head. the bump was moving.

oh. the bump was you.

he turned his gaze towards the door as a powerful presence invaded his then awakened senses. Master Ren had arrived, and he was livid.

he left you sleeping soundly beneath the covers and trudged through the halls, his Master's anger only grew stronger as he grew closer. Had Hux antagonized him already?

reaching the end of the exaggeratedly long hallway, he spotted Kylo with his mask off. his face was a deep shade of red as he cursed under his breath.

Ap'lek fell to his knees in his Master's presence. "Up." kylo demanded, his tone unforgiving. "Welcome back, Master Ren." Ren nodded at him. "Where is she?" his face softening momentarily as he mentioned you. "She is asleep, Master. I had just returned from her quarters."

Kylo nodded at Ap'lek as he twisted away from him. "Master I can assure you she is safe," Ap'lek called out to him. "I don't need your affirmation, Ap'lek." with that, Kylo trudged to your quarters. a smile etching onto his face.

he missed you.


	13. make it last

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: a juicy chapter for yall :) ill go over it later cuz I'm really tired :3 enjoy x <3

he stood in the door frame, admiring you from afar.

your steady breaths filled the room, soft sighs echoed in Kylo's ears. gods, he missed you so much. he was so pissed from his recent encounter with Rey, that he just had to see you. you provided some type of comfort that eased all his troubles away.

moving towards the bed with slow strides, he discarded his layers. blood and sweat lingered on his clothes as he threw them in the laundry bin for later. right now, he wanted to be with you.

dressed in slacks only, he snuggled up behind you, careful not to disturb your peaceful slumber. he was immediately hit with your strong perfume and body warmth. sighing, he placed soft, languid kisses to the back of your neck, dragging his lips over your smooth skin. he nudged your neck with his nose, inhaling your scent as he cuddled close to you.

kylo was exhausted, yet he wanted to embrace you and just enjoy the moment. his hands wandered to your stomach, pushing your back to him and holding you close. you sighed in your sleep, nuzzling his chest. his mouth quirked up in a lazy smile, eyes fluttering as you let out the softest sounds.

finally succumbing to much-needed sleep, he dreamt of you. only you.

༒

Rey held her lightsaber close, her legs wobbling slightly, fear invading her senses. Kylo stood in front of her, his own lightsaber ignited to life and his stare unforgiving.

"that lightsaber, it belongs to me!" he barked at Rey, a scowl etched on his face. Rey scoffed at him, a deep facade of acting brave and mighty. yet he could still see the fear radiating from her form. he fed off of it, the fear, it gave him such power, control.

"Come and get it." she hissed at him, her knuckles turning white around the hilt of the saber. Growling, he lunged at her with such force that sent her tumbling to the ground. Rey groaned in pain, clutching her head in her hand. blood blossomed on her open palm, she winced.

"TRAITOR!" Kylo lunged at her once more, his red sword clashing with her own, anger flooding his veins, temporarily blinding him. "I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU!" his hits were precise, hard to keep up with. Rey struggled to breathe, her arms straining against her will.

she crawled backward as Kylo hit her hard in the ribs with the back of his saber. Rey winced, holding her injured side with her bloody hands. She heaved, her eyesight heavy and blotchy as she tried not to faint on sight.

"Pathetic! you call yourself heroic, a weak excuse of a Jedi!" Kylo spat at her, his hair a mess, and his knuckles bleeding from the force he was exerting.

"She'll never love you. I'll kill her before it happens!" with all she could muster, Rey pathetically whimpered the last few words, her wound throbbing in pain. Kylo growled at her, hitting her square in the face with the hilt of his saber. Rey groaned from the pain, blood and spit drooled onto the muddy ground beneath them. Her gaze blurring as she slowly lost consciousness.

Kylo left her bleeding on the muddy plains of Jakku as he tumbled back to his ship. his lungs closing from the lack of oxygen. he had to get back to you, he needed you.

༒

but now, light entered the dim room, you groaned in your sleep. Kylo had been awake a long time ago for his daily meditation with the Force, but he was just staring at you. he chuckled as you tossed and turned, your face scrunching up in annoyance.

finally, you opened your eyes slowly, adjusting to the light after being so deep in your state of slumber. yawning softly, your eyes landed on Kylo's, a soft smile finding its way onto your face. Kylo mirrored your expression, slowly making his way to the foot of the bed. you rubbed your eyes, flaking the crust of sleep from the corners.

"Goodmorning little one.." Kylo cooed at you, brushing your wild, untamed hair behind your ears. you purred at him, a sound he enjoyed way too much. "good morning, supreme leader." you nuzzled into his hand, the warmth of his body seemingly drawing you back to sleep. "you look so pretty like this, an angel." Kylo trailed his hand from your cheek to your collarbone, his fingers igniting a fire in your belly.

"I can imagine how I look right now." you chuckled briefly as you stretched, your limbs popping and twisting. Kylo merely smiled and stood up, walking into the kitchen. He came back with a cup of hot coffee and a plate of scones. your face lit up, coffee was what you exactly needed. you muttered a bashful 'thank you' at him as you took a shy sip. your tastebuds sang as the sweet liquid trickled down your throat.

it wasn't an extravagant breakfast, but it sure kept you sated.

"so supreme leader, what are our plans for today?" you stepped out of the refresher, your hair wet and freshly combed, two long braids cascading down your back. you wore what you presumed was kylo's shirt and some jeggings. "I have nothing on my agenda for today, Hux has all the intel I provided on my trip and he's currently working on extracting more from any prisoners we acquire. Other than just checking up on him, I'm free all day." he glanced at you, a soft smile dancing on his features.

you nodded, surprised he was providing you with any form of information since you were clearly still his prisoner. sitting down on the chair opposite from him, you played with your hair as you zoned out, deep in thought.

you wondered why he was acting so--kind? lately. it was strange, to say the least, but you weren't complaining. Until you were able to escape from Finalizer, you needed some human comfort, something to keep you sane. even if it was given to you from your captor himself.

Kylo looked up at you from his tablet, a curious shimmer behind his deep honey orbs. "What're you thinking about, little one?" he sat the tablet down, seemingly more interested in what you were thinking instead of doing his work. you shook your head at him, "Nothing in particular.."

"Hm." he hummed at you, voice deep and baritone that shook you to your core. "yeah, hm." you shrugged at him. "Hey I wanted to ask you a question.." you were genuinely curious then, you figured he knew so much about it.

"Of course little one." he leaned into his seat, propping his beautiful face on his palm. "So what exactly is the Force? I get that I have it and stuff but I never really knew what it means.." your voice held so much innocence that kylo was overwhelmed, he liked hearing your voice, it comforted him.

"it's like--having magic powers.." he gestured with his hands, "you can control objects, people with the right amount of practice and determination." you nodded excitedly. he stifled a laugh at your enthusiasm. "You very much have it in you, little one. The Force is strong inside you, and it will only continue to grow," he smirked at you, your eyes glimmering with a desire to have some sort of power. a hunger that only Kylo saw, and related to.

"So when is our next training session?" you leaned in an excited smile on your face. Kylo chuckled, "Not so fast, after what happened last time you're not ready yet to learn all the ways of the force, you're much too powerful." Kylo shook his head at you. your excited expression turned into a disappointed one, a pout on your full lips. "Don't pout, you're too pretty to look sad." he swiped his thumb over your bottom lip, eliciting a shuddering exhale from you.

you leaned in, nuzzling into his palm as he gazed at you with such adoration and calmness, that you were melting right then and there. grabbing onto his extended hand, you placed a shy kiss to his palm, running it over your cheek and closing your eyes. he smiled warmly, you mirroring the expression with a smile of your own. he opened his arms, "come here, pretty girl." you didn't hesitate, crawling towards his open embrace, succumbing into his warmth.

you sighed, arms wrapping around his torso to keep him close, listening to his heartbeat. he hummed softly as he stroked your head, resting his cheek on your hair. you let out a soft moan, relishing in the smallest of touches that managed to have such an effect on you. "fffuck.." you moaned as his hands trailed all over your body, kneading and squeezing everywhere. you were now straddling his lap as he continued his sensual touches on your skin.

kylo's head tilted forward, running his lips over your neck and gently kissing as you writhed on top of him. he took his time exploring your skin, inhaling your soft perfume that still lingered even after your bath. your head was tilted back, moans tumbling out of your parted lip. your fingers carding through kylo's locks, sighing when he groaned against your neck. you grabbed his chin, tilting his gaze towards yours. you whispered, "kiss me.."

kylo didn't hesitate, capturing your parted lips with his own. the only sound in the room was the sound of your lips gliding across each other, and the occasional soft sighs and moans escaping you both. his mouth never relented, tongue wrestling with your own, your bodies lazily grinding against one another. he gently carried you to the bed, carefully propping you down on the freshly made, soft sheets.

his lips returned to your skin, capturing your own to swallow your moans and pleas. running his hands over any piece of exposed skin, he panted into your mouth as he thrust his clothed cock into your sex, the simulation being exactly what he needed. you moaned into him, hands working to discard your clothes. he stopped you, a single hand stilling your shaking ones. "let me.." his voice was so sexy, so determined to make you feel precious, loved.

you nodded, letting him peel every article of clothing off of you until you laid under him in all your naked glory. his breath hitched, eyes daring to water against their will. gosh, he really did miss you. after all this time, he missed seeing your gorgeous body on display for him. only him.

you clutched his cheek with your palm, wiping the tear clear from his face, your face beaming with adoration. he kissed your fingers, more tears slipping from his eyes. you bit your lip to stifle your sobs, emotions threatening to flood through the cracks of your breaking form.

he stripped, taking his time to swallow you with his eyes, yours exploring his naked, beautiful body. a deep red decorated his well-sculpted chest, scars scattered all over. you wanted nothing more than to feel his skin against yours. he must've heard as he perked up, a smile showing on his lips. you opened your arms, inviting him in. he slowly crawled towards you and captured you in his arms.

his mouth traveling from your neck to your sternum, placing lazy, sloppy kisses all over your chest. he moved to your full breasts, full and supple flesh begging to be touched. he wasted no time in capturing a nipple in his mouth, his tongue swirling all over your sensitive bud. you keened at him, a high pitched needy sound which he ate up. his other calloused hand working at your other breast.

your back arched as you pushed your tits into his face, but he didn't seem to mind. not one bit. in fact, he was living the dream. his sloppy kisses traveled down your abdomen, a trail of saliva glistening on your pale complexion. you panted, fisting the sheets. his warm hands found your thighs and gently massaged the soft muscle, soft whimpers escaping your mouth as your hips slanted towards him.

his fingers pried your legs open slowly, exposing your glistening, wet cunt to him. the cool breeze fanned over the sensitive flesh, making you buck your hips and whimper rather loudly. he shushed you gently, "Shhh, you're doing such a good job. my good girl." Kylo's praise made you moan lowly, your eyelids shut on their own record.

Kylo placed tentative, small kisses to your inner thighs, taking time to praise you, rub his face, his cheek against your skin. he mouthed at your mound, and you let out a yelp. Kylo rubbed soothing circles into your stomach, making you relax and succumb to him. "There's my good girl.." he cooed at you. Kylo placed a sloppy kiss to your clit, and you jumped from the sensitivity. he continued his assault on your cunt, licking and slurping up whatever you had to offer him. your sweet nectar, an essence he craved, longed to taste.

he moaned as your sharp slick coated his tastebuds, your moans echoing in the room. a shaky hand of yours found its way to Kylo's head, tangling in his ruffled up locks. he groaned, grabbing you by the hips and pushing you into his face. you whimpered and moaned and clutched at whatever came within your reach.

"o-ohhhh fffuckkk Kyloo!" you bucked your hips shamelessly against his nose and mouth, chasing your climax, his mouth ever so skilled sucking your stiff clit and teasing your folds with his thick fingers. he pulled away shortly, taking in lungfuls of breaths against your wet pussy.

"You're going to cum on my mouth, aren't you gorgeous?" he slipped two fat fingers into your cunt, you moaned loudly, the sound echoing in the room. Kylo groaned at the sound, his cock straining painfully against the soft sheets. "Ohhhh Yesss kylooo!! fuckkkkk!!." you humped his long digits, chasing your impending orgasm once more.

"such a good girl for me, I dreamt of you, always on my mind. you're everything I need. cum for me, sweet girl." he kissed your clit and you broke. a scream tore its way out of your throat, your body convulsing around his hands, eyes rolling to the back of your head, your orgasm never-ending.

with shaking limbs you collapsed back into the mattress, kylo pressing soft kisses to your calves and knees. "you did so well, you came for me." he kissed your lips hungrily, giving his cock, slow, experimental strokes. pulling back, he admired your now oversensitive cunt. So pink and flawless, you seemed unreal. Was he dreaming?

slowly but surely, he poked the head of his dick into your slick folds, your weeping pussy immediately inviting him in. with the strength you had left, you managed to let out a moan at the stretch.

kylo groaned, your pussy squeezing his cock, tight walls milking him. he pushed in, relishing in the soft satin feel that your walls provided. "So good to me, so tight and warm." he leaned down and pressed a kiss to your forehead. you smiled at him. kylo rocked back and forth, not quite thrusting, just letting you adjust. you tried to match his rhythm, needing something more, something to completely destroy you.

but no. Kylo made sure he was going to take his time with you, make love to you. if he was even capable of love.

moaning, he began thrusting at a fast pace, reaching a hand and kneading your breast, pinching and grabbing at your perked up, pink nipple. your legs trembled, hands shaking as you held out your hands for him, wanting him close once again. he obliged, wrapping your legs around his waist and snuggling into your chest. his thrusting never relented, bringing you immense pleasure that you so lacked, that he so needed.

"oh y/n, you have no idea how much I missed you, how much I missed this c-cunt." kylo panted into your breast, his hands grabbing onto your waist protectively. "oh fuck kylo.." you moaned and moaned, your voice sex-hoarse.

he kissed and sucked at your sternum, rubbing his face all over your chest. you noticed your right boob was getting wet, and a few sobs wracked themselves out of kylos body. your heart ached for him,not wanting to see him like that. you scratched at his scalp, soothing him, shushing his soft sobs and whimpers.

"it's okay, kylo. I'm here, I'm right here." you kissed his forehead as he looked down at you, his tears running down to your cheeks. his hips stuttered and your while body tremored. he let out a low groan and you moaned, high and needy. kylo's legs shook as he filled you up with his hot, thick seed.

kylo collapsed next to you, his arms scooping you up and placing you on his chest. you welcomed his warmth, still heaving as he drained you out. "You know that I love you, don't you?" kylo almost whispered, his cheek rubbing against your hair.

you nodded, "I do, and I love you, Ben."


	14. little dove

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chap warnings: *mentions of death/abuse/slight physical abuse.*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: back from hiatus biatches <3 
> 
> so no sexy times this chapter :( bummer ikr? BUTTTTT a huge dose of plot and.. FLUFF? yall know I'm a hoe for fluff :3 anyways this chapter is heavy and kinda dark but I just need to vent :/
> 
> mistakes will be fixed later im tired
> 
> I love u and ty for taking the time to read my shitty book <3

he thought he hadn't heard correctly. you, saying his name. his real name. the name he buried with the body of his faded life within the light side. it was a taboo, at least he thought it was. no one should ever speak about his past, except you of course. you were his love, the little dove that keeps him going, no matter how many times he had wished to stop. to give up.

but then he had made love to you, so sweetly, innocently, just enjoying the warmth of your body tenderly, almost worshiping it. he hadn't expected you to remember him, the real kylo ren, ben solo.

but you did, and you said it with such softness, your voice making goosebumps appear on his skin, pricking the heated flesh as you uttered one single word, that he thought died away with the remnants of his past life.

he blinked away tears as you stared up at him, smiling softly. still naked and laying on his sheets, your hair a mess and sprawled out against the pillows, you looked like an angel. a single tear rolled down the hills of his cheek, you wiped it off.

"ben," you, yourself were crying then, sitting up so you could embrace him in a hug, crushing his bones, almost. he laughed into your neck, returning the embrace just as tight. you breathed in the scent of his sweaty skin, sobbing to yourself.

"I thought I'd never see you again.." you sobbed and sobbed, tears flowing freely. his chest hiccuped with tears he tried to contain but failed, his own happiness intermingling with your own. "y/n, gods! I lost all hope..."

you swallowed down your sniffles, parting from the embrace to look into his loving eyes, "i missed you.." biting your lip, you encased his mouth with your own, relaxing in his grip as you both shared a very intimate moment, you wished would last forever. pulling back, you cradled his face in your hands, brushing your thumbs on his cheekbones. he leaned into your touch, kissing your fingers tenderly.

"moonlight, don't leave me again, please.." his voice cracking with emotion. you shushed him gently, "I'm here, you have me, you're never going to lose me.." returning your face into his neck, you sobbed. finally, you thought you'd never find him again...

Ben placed you gently on the sheets, his embrace never leaving you. kissing you gently on your temple, he draped the blanket over the both of you, snuggling you close, never letting you go.

༒

"Where are you going y/n?" Ben softly wrapped his hands around your waist, resting his nose in the crook of your neck. you laughed sweetly. you two had just shared an intimate moment together after he returned from the Jedi Temple.

"Ben I have to wash up, the river is literally right there." you tried pushing against him but no avail, his bear hug became a crushing force that stole all the oxygen from your lungs. he kissed and licked at your neck, giggling as you squirmed.

"what's stopping you, little dove?" he relaxed his grip just a little so you could breathe. you smacked your hand on his chest. "you!" you exclaimed. he giggled once more, the sound music to your ears. you shook your head, planting a soft kiss to his red cheeks. he cradled your face and placed a kiss on your nose.

"can you promise me something?" he almost whispered, his breath hitting your face. you sat back down, curiosity evident on your face. "anything, ben." you so sweetly said. he looked at you adoringly, love shining in his eyes.

"Promise you'll never leave me, no matter what happens.. okay?" his tone was sincere, he wasn't joking around.

"w-what?"

"Please--just promise me..i-i need to know--" his voice was wavering, sobs threatening to break. your heart ached and you shifted closer to him, holding his head against your thumping chest. "I'll never, ever leave you. you understand?" you kissed his crown, resting your chin on his head.

a soft sob escaped him as he nodded and you kissed his hair once more. ben slumped against you, obviously falling asleep in your arms. you smiled to yourself. nothing could've ruined that moment.

༒

kylo knew that it was Rey's fault. it was her fault you knew nothing about the Force. her fault that you stole a lightsaber to prove a point. her fault that you didn't remember him when you two had met again.

he looked into her mind, saw every little plan hidden in her head, plans to destroy you, eliminate you.

of course, you'd grown to be more powerful than her, the Force. you had more control over it, yet you never knew it existed until kylo had trained you.

yet she felt threatened. she sensed the way you had so much power, it made her feel so small. she had to possess that power somehow. even if you were her best friend, it didn't matter to Rey, it was sentimental and she hated it. but you didn't. you were so perky, so full of life. and your jokes were the best, that she would admit.

but then she saw you and ben, envy spiraled inside her, stupid, raw unfiltered envy. she wanted that affection, attention. love.

so you were an easy target for her schemes. she planned it all in her head. she'd have to take somewhere secluded of course, lure you. then she'd tell you every single thing she hated about you, watch your face contort to a grimace, watches how tears slide down the hills of your cheeks.

she'd pay no mind to it, she'd laugh at your pained state, tell you how pathetic you were. then she'd impale you with her lightsaber, staring at you intently...

how your eyes would turn white with empty nothingness, how the very last breaths would escape your chest and your body would turn limp. and then she'd be satisfied.

it was all so horrific to kylo. how much pain you'd be in. death would consume you and he'd never see you again, never get to hold you. that made his minds whir with plans of his own. he needed to find Rey again, to end her before she ends you. even if he had to die doing it.

but then again, she was your best friend. the only person you ever knew besides kylo. how could he kill her without letting you know? he couldn't. you'd find out eventually. he couldn't stand losing you again.

that made his whole body quiver. your soft groans filled his ears as you shifted in his arms. he smiled to himself. "wakey wakey.." kylo cooed at you, kissing your temple before nuzzling it. you sighed, relaxing in his grip once more. "come on, little one.." his hands slightly tickled your sides and you shifted, trying to stifle your giggles. "oh is the princess ticklish?" he resumed his antics, tickling you with force that had you erupting in a fit of laughter, soon followed by kylo's own.

you turned shyly towards him, "hi." you cooed, obviously still flustered. he chuckled, "hello there." kylo leaned in, trapping your mouth with his. the kiss was soft, sensual, and loving. it was exactly what you both needed. "sleep alright?" he asked you, twirling a piece of hair between his fingertips.

you blushed slightly, "yes I did, best sleep I've had in a while now." kylo nodded, tilting your face to meet his, "I dreamt about you.." he kissed your nose. "you did?" your voice was so innocent, so pure, it made kylo's heart flutter. he nodded, "mhm, I dreamt about our time together last night." he smiled at you, obviously enjoying the way your cheeks tinted red and your breathing accelerate.

"o-oh." was all you said. obviously what you two shared that another night was too intimate, too sweet. you thought it would be a one-time thing. "it won't." kylo interjected, steering you away from your thoughts.

"huh?" kylo chuckled at you, shaking his head slightly. you forgot he could read minds. of course. "it won't be a one-time thing," he shifted closer to you, bringing his lips to nip at your earlobe, "you're mine." he whispered in your ear, before playfully biting it. you openly shivered, stifling a moan. kylo pulled back, a shit-eating grin on his face.

"breakfast?" he cocked his head to the side. you squinted at him, "such a tease!" kylo was startled as you jumped at him, biting into his neck and sucking, making him groan and grab your hips. you pulled back abruptly, grabbing a hold of his chin and tilting his head to the side, admiring your handiwork.

"there," you placed one last gentle kiss to the bite before tumbling into the bathroom. Kylo's eyes were gleaming with mischief, his chest heaving as he touched the mark slightly, groaning when a spark of pain shot through him. he enjoyed it, the way you had marked him, making him yours. a smile found itself on kylo's red face, you were truly something else.

Kylo heard the toilet flush and water rush from the faucet. he stretched before exiting the room, leaving you to get washed. kylo searched the fridge in his quarters for anything deliberately enticing to eat, though he knew you wouldn't mind eating a muffin or even a cup of coffee, still, he wanted to do something extra special for you.

he tried to remember what you enjoyed eating back then, and then it hit him. of course. pancakes! you'd make a fuss about them, how good they taste, or how you'd relish in the feeling of the gooey syrup mixing with the sugary taste of the batter. you absolutely adored pancakes.

so he made some for you and him, made them just the way you like; gooey, sweet, and fluffy.

you sighed as you washed Kylo's dried up cum between your thighs. it put a smile on your face, knowing he was yours after all that time. looking in the mirror, you flinched. your hair was everywhere, literally everywhere. your breath probably stank.

you brushed your teeth, and hopped in the shower quickly, not wanting to keep kylo waiting. skipping down the short hallway, the smell of fresh pancakes immediately wafted through your nostrils as you neared the kitchen.

you smiled as you took in the scene in front of you; kylo at the stove, flipping the pancakes with style, almost like he was showing off. his muscular back was facing you, his dark raven locks messy and reaching his shoulders. you stepped towards him slowly, wrapping your arms around his torso from behind. he stiffened at your contact but immediately relaxed. you placed shy, small kisses to his back, rubbing your face all over his shirt.

his deep chuckle shook you and you smiled. "smells good." you said. he laughed, "I know how much you love pancakes." he turned around, placing a kiss to your temple before pinching your ass cheek playfully. "ow! gods Ben." you rubbed the sore spot as you playfully pinched his arm back. he giggled and placed a plate of stacked pancakes in front of you.

"wow--these look good." you took a whiff of the fresh aroma, your mouth immediately watering. kylo merely smiled at you, "dig in, little one." you didn't hesitate, scarfing down chunk after chunk of gooey goodness, moaning in delight. kylo merely laughed at you, digging into his own plate. you finished your own in 10 minutes flat, licking off the syrup staining the plate. kylo looked at you mischievously, his brow quirking upwards. you blushed, taking your finger out of your mouth with a loud pop.

leaning back into your seat, you rubbed your full belly, obviously full. "that was the best breakfast ever." you sighed in content, a lazy smile crossing your features. kylo nodded at you, smiling briefly, "I've been giving it a lot of thought, and I've decided to continue training you." he looked up from his plate at you, expecting your answer. "why would I need to train? I already know about the force and what it does, and ill be ready with a little more research--" you spoke softly, before kylo cut you off, "no you're not ready. it's one thing to know about it than to actually use it. besides, you need to learn how to use a lightsaber.."

"I already know how to use a lightsaber." you crossed your arms, already annoyed. "no you don't. you stole a lightsaber but you don't know how to use it." his tone was strict and you flinched. but how did he know? "wait--how do you know that?" you quirked up a brow. Kylo stiffened, scraping his fork on the plate. "quiet. what I said will be done with no complaints. am I understood?" he leaned in, awaiting your answer. "y-yes ben, I'm sorry." you lowered your head, playing with the hem of your shirt before looking up at him, to find him already staring at you.

"such a good girl," he leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to your cheek, nuzzling it before leaning back and scarfing down the remains of his plate. you shuddered at the praise and his touch, wanting nothing more than to touch and feel him everywhere.

but you couldn't, you were too scared of how he'd react to seeing you all thirsty and wet for him, so you restrained yourself as much as you could. standing up from your seat, you grabbed your plate and placed it in the sink to wash later, before grabbing your shoes and walking out his quarters silently.

the hall was quiet as usual, occasional stormtroopers here and there. nearing your door, someone tapped you on the shoulder. you were startled, to say the least, but you turned around nonetheless.

your mouth fell open and a big smile fought its way onto your face.

seeing none other than Finn, wearing the first order uniform with a blaster in his hands.


	15. broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is where things get a lil non-con, so heed the tags <3

"Finn!" you squealed, leaping into his arms and burying your face into his chest. his chest shook with happy laughter, as he clutched you tight. "I'm so glad you're safe." he pulled away only to look you in the eyes. they were filled with so much admiration and respect that you almost got lost in them. 

"I believe I don't have much time," he glanced around nervously, before meeting your eyes again. "the resistance is planning an attack on the First Order in 2 weeks sharp, we need you to be ready for anything." you nodded, etching everything he said into your brain. "Leia was restless. she can't wait to have you back, all of us." he smiled, you reciprocated. "I missed Rey, Poe, all of you. Even BB8!" you giggled and he smiled. 

"We all do, y/n. we love you so much." you genuinely felt like you were needed, loved. Finn's eyes roamed your face before landing on yours again.

you stilled when you heard the unmistakable thudding of boots down the long dim hallways. he was near. your whole body clenched as you stared at Finn.

He must've heard it too because he visibly tensed, eyeing you with concern. "Y/n! I have to go, keep an eye out for any resistance vessels!" with that, he disappeared into the crowds of First Order officers. as you turned to enter your quarters, you felt an invisible force probe it's way to your mind, making you wince when a sharp pain rang through your ears.

"God fucking dammit Ben." you turned around to face him, your eyes clouded with annoyance and confusion, staring into the void of his, concealed by the visor. he was heaving, chest rising and falling rapidly, fists clenching with poorly controlled rage. his ragged breaths could be heard even from his helmet, hiding what determined his feelings that he so desperately tried to hide.

"inside. now." the modified voice sounded so..unlike him. aside from his soft voice that he so lovingly spoke to you with when he made love to you.

"ben what's wrong?" you took a tentative step towards him, your heartbeat increasing with every breath you took. he was quick to snatch your chin in his hand, gripping your jaw so hard you'd thought it would pop. you winced and whimpered at his aggression, straining against him, beating at his chest to let him release you. "it's the supreme leader to you, whore." with that, he kicked you inside the room and slammed the hatch closed.

you were on the ground, heaving and clutching your stomach, tears welling in your eyes as he threw his helmet to the wall with a loud thud. kylo began stripping himself of his clothes eyeing your body with a pang of intense hunger and anger intermingled. you shivered at the stare but your body didn't respond like it used to.

instead, it responded to the natural way. fear.

you whimpered as he stood within your vision, towering over you with menace. he lunged at you and you screamed, thrashing as he ripped the layers of clothes from your hot skin. you whimpered and tried to push him off of you but no avail. he was much bigger and much stronger.

"you're going to take it like the whore you are. maybe ill spare your life." he grabbed your chin before smacking you clean across the face. your head turned the other direction, tears already streaming, blood already pooling in your mouth. you closed your eyes shut.

this wasn't your ben.

no. ben would never do this. he would never take you like that. no. that was something way worse. a monster.

he smiled, eerily. "yes I am." kylo forced your knees apart harshly, gripping the back of your thighs in his unforgiving paws. you rested your head on the floor, zoned out on the wall behind his heaving body, thinking about how ben would never hurt you as he did. never.

but you stayed quiet. surprisingly quiet. even when he slid inside you despite your body not being ready yet, you took it. ben would never do this.

his grunts were the only thing heard in the room. the only sounds he made when he thrust so hard into you, you could practically feel him in your throat.

every thrust, every push, every stolen breath punched from your lungs reminded you that this was real. he really was raping you. and for what? he was twisted, manic, completely out of his mind. Ben disappeared into thin air, kylo emerged to take over, and you were stuck in the middle.

so you closed your eyes, focusing on how hard he was breathing, the grip he had on your body, the bruises already forming. silently weeping, you went limp, pushed backward with every harsh fuck he delivered. 

with one hard grunt, he came inside you, painting your walls with his hot seed, as if soothing the brutality. you stared at him, all ounce of love and admiration gone. replaced with hatred and deep loathing, your heart ached. where was the lover that took care of you just that morning? that called you all the sweet names, gentle caresses, soft kisses?

Kylo stared at you, chest still heaving, eyes wide and filled with emotion. you just stared at him, made eye contact with him for what seemed like forever before he came forward. this time you flinched, and he backed away from you. his eyes softened at your shaking form, at the building sobs threatening to break free. he crouched down to your level, taking your cheeks softly in his hands. you snarled at him, eyes piercing his own.

"moonlight?" he whispered. you sobbed, twisting away from him, crawling to the corner of the room because your legs failed you. he just stared at you, his face filled with what could be..regret.

you brought your knees up to your chest, resting your forehead gently. you didn't even cry that time. you just took long breaths, closed your eyes, and imagined yourself far away from there. on jakku maybe? with all your family, with Rey.

kylo took ahold of your small hand, bringing it to his lips and kissing it gently. you looked up at him, eyes red with strain, lips quivering. "how could you?" 

he blinked at you. your voice was so fragile, so small. he regretted everything. 

crawling away from him, you grabbed your tattered and torn clothes and clothed yourself as best as you could. red welts were found all over your skin, yellow and blue bruises formed. you would've cried but you couldn't.

instead, you simply walked out the door and into the hallways. your tattered clothes leaving big patches of skin on display. you couldn't care less.

for then, he officially broke you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: whew that was lateeeee asfff. sorry I have school and I'm really busy but I'm writing I promise :3 I luv u and take care ❤️
> 
> *mistakes will be fixed later


	16. Love, lust, and everything in between

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I said it once IMMA SAY IT AGAIN READ.THE.TAGS!

you wondered what the afterlife had in store for you.

if it was all worth it, to just fade away. but your train of thoughts was interrupted shortly as soft plush lips planted themselves on your tear-streaked cheeks. your eyelids fluttered shut, body immediately relaxing. tears rolled onto the pillow as he kissed all over your face.

"Baby," he cooed. you whimpered at the pet name, head turning towards him, eyes boring into brown irises. he rubbed his face all over your neck, sighing when you relaxed into his hold. 

you wanted him so much it hurt.

"why?" your voice was laced with denial. you felt him shaking underneath you, chest heaving with sobs. you clutched at the sheets, anything. closing your eyes again, you imagined yourself floating away, in the endless void of space.

if you're lucky enough, maybe you'd never come back.

"I want to go home, please." you sobbed freely. he shook his head, hair framing his face. "you are home." his lips slanted onto yours, emotions bubbling deep inside you. you wanted to believe him, to live in a lie. but you couldn't. you didn't melt into the kiss like you used to, you pulled back, face scrunched up in bubbling pain.

you couldn't live like this. you wanted to go back, to be yourself, to be free. his head tilted slightly, "you are free." you shook your head.

"no, I'm not. with you, I'm never free." he sighed, before capturing you in an embrace. you relaxed into his hold. 

"you know that I love you, right?" his voice was quiet, almost like a whisper. you shook your head, lips trembling. "no, no you don't." 

"But I do." he looked you in the eyes, swirling emotions in his irises. tears rolled down your cheeks against your will. he wiped them away with small kisses. you whimpered, clutching onto him as he would float away. he returned the embrace just as strongly, burying his face into your hair. your sobs were louder then, uncontrolled. your eyes almost closed together. 

"I do. more than anything." kylo's voice wavered. a beat. silence. you looked up at him. "you don't, but that's okay." you smiled at him, a small, fragile smile. he brought his hand up to your cheek, caressing you gently, almost petting you. you wanted nothing more than to collapse in his arms.

"I wanted nothing more than to love you. like you were mine and I am yours." you voiced your thoughts, trying to contain that small sob at the end but failing. he smiled, dimples showing. god, how you loved them, how you loved him.

"I am yours," he whispered. you shook your head again. "never." closingyour eyes, you twisted away from him, cheek planted onto the soft pillow. tears rolled freely down your cheeks as you thought of everything you went through. sorrow, pain. you were broken.

a broken doll, porcelain heart cracked with bruises from his empathetic ways. he pretended that he cared, but that's okay.

kylo sighed, scooting closer to you. his long arms wrapped themselves around you, pulling you into his chest. he kissed your temple before nuzzling your cheek. trailing his hand down your body, he caressed your stomach slowly, relishing in your body warmth. his hand lingered before it trailed upwards, squeezing your covered breast. you arched your back into him, tears still rolling.

"I don't know what id do if I ever lost you," he whispered, before rubbing your hardened nipple through the thin cotton of your shirt, his shirt.

"you already did," you whispered back. he exhaled shakily, hand still rubbing onto your breasts, kneading, soothing. brown irises, golden with molten heat of love, lust, and everything in between, watched your face contort into pleasure mixed with unmistakable pain. his fingers trailed downwards, skimming over your stomach, over your panties, and onto the place you needed him the most.

he brushed his fingers over your covered cunt, tickling the wet fabric that clung onto you. you shuddered, bucking your hips into his fingers. his hand disappeared into your panties, brushing over your slick folds, pressing onto your clit, before pulling out. he brought his fingers to his mouth, sucking them clean of your arousal. you watched through dazy eyes, lips parted and quick breaths escaping.

he turned you around on your side, chest pressing to your back. his warm hand kneaded your ass cheek before lifting your leg. slick fingers pulled your underwear to the side, slipping his hot needy length into your warmth. you had no more energy to moan, to buck your hips and swallow him. he panted in your ear, placing his hand onto your breast.

"Your heart belongs to me." kylos hot breath fanned over your skin, goosebumps rising on your heated flesh. you clutched the pillow with your hands, tears soaking through, clinging to your cheek. you moaned, "please stop," sobbing, you whimpered and bucked your hips to meet his rhythm. "you belong to me!" he smacked your pussy with his hand, sending you over the edge with a loud wail. tears of pure agony and defeat blurred your vision.

kylo kept thrusting into you despite your over-sensitivity. you sobbed loudly, hands scratching his own that were wrapped around you. grunting, he poured his seed into your tired cunt, before slipping out with a groan. kissing you gently onto your wet, bruised cheek, he wrapped his arms around you once more, nuzzling into your neck. 

"I hate you, so much." broken sobs fought their way out of your punched out lungs. "no you don't." he kissed your neck, nose skimming over the soft skin. "I should--I should hate you." biting your lip, you forced yourself to sleep, with your ex-lover's arms around your shaking frame. dreaming of nothing more desired. 

freedom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: 
> 
> (mistakes will be fixed later)
> 
> this is fairly short I'm sorry! the upcoming chapters will be longer. I finally figured out the plot and I already planned out the ending for this book. there will be sequels with much juicier detail. please don't read my content if you're not comfortable with non/con. this is all part of the plot! the angst is gonna be here for a while, sowwy :(
> 
> as always, ily🥺🤍


	17. the pain, the suffering, the recovery.

"I can do this part alone." you mumbled at kylo, who placed you on the sink, undressing you. he looked up briefly, "I know." resuming, he pulled your panties down your long legs, trailing his own hand on your soft skin. kylo kissed your kneecaps, before standing to his full height. 

"arms up." obeying silently, you wished it wasn't him that was taking care of you. he pulled the shirt over your head, dumping it along with the rest of your clothes in the washing bin. kylo bent down, kissing each of your breasts, before taking a nipple into his mouth and sucking.

you arched your back, groaning at the bolts of pleasure that racked through you, "get off," you mumbled. he pulled off with a loud pop, lifting you by the hips as if you weighed nothing. placing you slowly in the tub, he adjusted the temperature before crouching down on the tile floor.

you relaxed into the scalding water, tense muscles immediately relaxing. kylo watched you, eyes scanning your wet form. It wasn't sexual, he was just inspecting you. you didn't meet his wandering gaze, instead focusing on the bubbles that popped every now and then. sitting up to start scrubbing yourself, kylo stopped you as he placed his warm hand over your wet one. 

you flinched at the contact, muscles tensing again.

"let me," he whispered. you didn't reply, instead closing your eyes and moving towards him, back facing him. kylo's tousled hair tickled your skin as he bent down. placing small kisses to your back, he grabbed the shampoo bottle with his hand, squirting the scented liquid onto his open palm.

lathering the soap, he massaged the shampoo into your hair, trails of soap rolling down the hills of your back. your back arched, groans escaping your parted lips. his sinful lips continued pressing open-mouthed kisses at your neck. you shuddered. "does that feel good?" you nodded, mumbling incoherently. 

pulling away from your soaked hair, he grabbed the loofa and cleaned you out of your grime. you took deep breaths, thinking of someone else. you didn't want his touch, but you craved it. 

"don't fight it," he whispered in your ear, washing away the soap and shampoo from your body. "shut up." you groaned, clenching your fists underwater. his hand snaked to your front, grabbing your jaw, he tilted your head back towards him. kylo's eyes were soft, twinkling. you loved looking deep into his irises. he placed a kiss on your wet forehead, "I love you." you groaned, trying to twist away from him.

releasing you with a sigh, he stood up. you tensed. grabbing you by the waist, he wrapped you with a white fluffy towel. you shuddered in the cool air of your quarters. you walked towards the bed and sat on the edge, playing with the loose strings of the towel. you could hear shuffling in the bathroom, but you were too numb to care.

a while later, kylo emerged with a hairbrush and weird tubes. you paid him no mind as you continued rolling the strings between your fingers. "turn around." you glared at him, hatred pouring through every pore in your body. of course, he sensed it, almost tackling him with the force.

but you turned around, sighing as you did. he sat behind you, crisscrossed. he bent down, inhaling the scent of your shampoo, before kissing you gently on the cheek. "you smell so good," he massaged some type of cream into your hair, before untangling the mussed up locks. you flinched as he reached badly tangled strands. 

you relaxed when he started brushing through your locks. "why are you being so--sweet?" you muttered. he chuckled slightly, before sighing. "I like taking care of the people I love." your eyes widened, what?

"you--what?" you turned towards hin, mouth agape.   
Lovers didn't rape each other, didn't mistreat the ones they loved. he shook his head, smiling at your expression. "you're so silly," he turned your head around again, this time braiding your hair into two parts, pigtails.

when he was finished, he smoothed his hands over your sides, still covered by the towel. slowly unwrapping the towel, he massaged your slides, relishing into soft, warm feeling if your skin on his. 

you sighed, relaxing in his grip. he stood up again, disappearing into his closet. he snatched a shirt of his from the rack and brought it to you. you lifted your arms, he whispered good girl, pecking you on the lips. he slipped the shirt onto your skin, lifting your pigtails from under the shirt.

you looked up at him, eyes soft and doe. he almost cried at the scene. he loved you, and he was so guilty. you smiled at him, tears pooling in your eyes. his own tearing up as well. 

engulfing you in an embrace, you both sobbed into each other, letting go of the angst, the worry, the pain. you hiccuped and sobbed, tears staining his shirt. kylo clutched at your own shirt, his shirt, burying his face in your neck. you trailed your hands to clutch at his hair, inhaling his earthy scent.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered. your head nodded at its own accord. panting, "I know," his sobs never ceased, neither did yours.

you stayed like this for the rest of the night. engulfed in each other's arms. each letting go of the same thing that was buried deep down. 

the pain, the suffering, the recovery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n: last angsty chapter, for now 😈 kudos and comments are very appreciated, I love hearing what you have to say :3 pls read the tags again, ily!! 🥺🦋💕


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